Expectations of a caregiver

what I noticed

Today’s sneak peek is from my upcoming book—

A Real Ballbuster: Untangling Testicular Cancer Together.

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During round two, Jeff slept most of the day and didn’t see the kids much. His appetite was absent during the second round. He mentioned his taste was off even the hot sauce was bland. I could feel his frustration.

“I hope it comes back, it’s so hard to want to eat.” 

He tasted a metallic taste when drinking water. Could you imagine? It was something they told us would happen. It was something he was waiting for but hoped it wouldn’t come. I could tell when he sat at the table with us he didn’t want to eat. He was trying to force himself to take a bite of something however his forehead rested in his hands most of the time. He was exhausted.  

The doctor was adamant about his weight. He didn’t want him getting lower than 150 pounds. Jeff was hovering at this number for a few days now. I was starting to worry his next weight check would be under the number. I didn’t know what to do to encourage him to eat or drink.

I looked across the table with a feeling of helplessness. Something I’d felt since this challenge began. It was persistent. I was stressed thinking about how much weight he had lost. I blamed myself for not knowing what would taste good. If I could just make the right meal, weight wouldn’t be a problem.

I know, I know, my wicked mind.

How do I sit with this emotion and not let it get the best of me?

Surrender. 

It dawned on me at that moment, I wasn’t here to fix Jeff. It wasn’t my job to fight what I had no control over. What occurred to me was I’m just here to love him in this difficult circumstance. This realization freed me from the expectations and pressure I was putting on myself as a caregiver.

I was willing to recognize nobody was better at running our lives than the One whose ways were higher than our own. God will see us through.

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Thank you for reading.

Take good care,

Julie