Shame and anger seeped into my heart
Sneak peek
Is it okay to not like attention?
I asked myself this question as we drove home from church. I didn’t like how I responded just minutes ago yet I wasn’t prepared.
Jeff announced to everyone his health challenge during joys and concerns. I wasn’t ready for the announcement. I was taken off guard when the pastor invited Jeff upfront to be prayed over. In all the churches I’ve attended, this was the first time I’d experienced the pastor inviting someone up front. I’m accustomed to sitting in the pew and praying for those who need it. I was surprised by the invitation. Jeff was not. He got right up, walked to the front of the congregation, and stood next to the pastor.
Wow, good for Jeff until the Pastor also invited me. I froze.
I didn’t want to stand up in front of everyone. Why can’t we just pray for him where we are? Jeff was already up there surrounded by some of the church members and I was still standing in the back my stomach clenched. I was upset. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to go up there but then guilt consumed me as my mind raced, you need to support him, you need to go up there, what is your problem?
I don’t know what the problem was but I couldn’t move. One lady across the pew stared at me with kind dark eyes. Her mask hid the words though I could read her eyes urging me to move, to go. My legs were like jello. I was holding back tears. This is for him, not me. Why would the pastor ask me to come up there?
Jeff was now surrounded by most of the congregation when I finally moved out of the pew and took a place in the back of the crowd. I stood next to someone else and placed my hand on their shoulder. I couldn’t get to Jeff, but I wasn’t going to push through everyone to make that happen.
Guilt, fear, shame, and anger seeped into my heart. The old story of what is wrong with me, I wish I was like someone else, and why don’t I feel like I belong replayed in my mind. I knew this feeling. I didn’t like it. I wanted to start the morning over.
After the closing hymn, I dashed out of the pew to gather the kids from Sunday school. I didn’t want to listen to the story over and over as Jeff began talking to folks. Of course, they had questions and wanted to know more. They were concerned and cared.
My inner judge, Aunt Phoebe squeaked in, “You’re a crappy wife and a jerk for not standing up there with Jeff.” I went to the bathroom and cried. The first cry since we learned of Jeff’s diagnosis. It helped and then I prayed.
Dear Lord, please give me the strength to push out the enemy, I don’t want him to have a seat at our table. Amen.
A question that guided me as I moved through last year was—How do I want to show up? (this was often a daily question)
I invite you to consider this question if or when you find yourself in a season of challenge or trouble. I hope it offers you some peace and reassurance as it did me.
How do you want to show up? What does that look like for you?
Take good care and thank you for being here,
Julie
How we express grief is very different from one individual to another.
G. In our grief some of us choose to
GO to the frontline
R. Some of us choose to RETREAT to
the background
I. Perhaps it’s because of the way Our
Creator made us, He made some of
us INTROVERTS
E. Others He made EXTROVERTS
F. The important thing is that we give ourselves the FREEDOM to grieve our own personal way and allow others to grieve their own personal way because grief takes many different paths to healing.
Love your transparency. It comes with the gift of showing me that we all do struggle at times with self judgement and our own “Aunt Phoebe “. You are teaching me that when my Aunt Phoebe shows up I should give her my back instead of my ear.
Your post immediately prompted thoughts of courage and commitment while reading your account of that day. Your courage to share with this community the full sweep of that Sunday. And, from what I saw, your commitment to continued growth in your life.
I believe that many wish they could feel and live with greater courage, but don’t know what steps to take. From reading your posts a while, that’s just not the case for you.
The burden shared is the burden halved. All the best, always.