What does forgiveness weigh?

a 20-mile conversation with myself

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Thank you for being here with me,

Julie

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My breath forms a cloud as I step outside. The crunch, crunch under my sneakers echoes in the darkness. I look up to see a magnificent moon through the trees. Today’s long run is 20 miles with variable pacing. My running vest contains my usual fuel—gels, chews, hydration—along with today's experiments: Precision gels and Carbs fuel. I still haven’t nailed down a gel that I like…too sweet, too thick, or just yuck.

I’m grateful this morning is above freezing. I’m hopeful my hydration will make it to the end without freezing. I have two layers over my vest in hopes of preventing this from happening. I decide to run an out-and-back. The first 10 miles are rolling hills, and I am grateful I will have a bit of downhill on my return.

The country roads are quiet. My mind is not. It is replaying yesterday’s events. I find myself talking to myself out loud. Why didn’t you say this? What didn’t you do that? I did not show up the way I wanted. I felt like I let my daughter down. A doctor's appointment where I needed to be clear and steady, but big emotions caught me unprepared. The words wouldn't come right.

My old habit is to beat myself up and ruminate. These two actions I’ve worked so hard to undo, yet here they are again, and the result is to hide, to isolate myself from those who love me. I don’t like this pattern. Tears begin to form, and I take a deep breath. I pray for the strength to let go.

I will run for 20 miles. My goal by the time I get home is to forgive myself.

P.S. 1 Carbs fuel gel is too sweet. Precision gel is just right.

P.S. 2 Forgiveness weighs a lot, and I’m grateful for the Lord’s grace and love.

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See you soon to write. Our Zoom room link is below, and you’re invited.

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