My soul was black and...

A Real BallBuster sneak peek

Another small piece from my upcoming book—

A Real BallBuster: Untangling Testicular Cancer Together

The book cover design coming soon…

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At the beginning of February Jeff had his PET scan. I gave him a hug and kiss before he opened the passenger side door. He would text me when to come pick him up. I had a terrible thought as I watched him walk into the clinic— what if his cancer has spread all over?

The thought made me sick. I yelled at myself for it. Why would you think that Julie?

I tried hard to shift my thoughts to something helpful or true but that thought lingered. What if his cancer has spread all over? My stomach tightened as I pulled away from the clinic.

I turned on the radio. I prayed a song would come on to distract me—to give me something else to say to myself. Here was my chance to prove I could manage my mind, yet I couldn’t shift this thought. I couldn’t shake it. I’d been doing the work for several years on questioning and redirecting my thoughts, a daily practice, and yet here I was still a beginner.

I realized at that moment I needed help— quotes, bible verses, and encouraging sentences placed around me. Continuous truths, reminders, and affirmations to protect my mind and guard my heart. When I got home I grabbed my index cards and began to write. I wrote out bible verses my friend sent me, quotes for strength and encouragement, and affirmations to practice and repeat to overcome my negative thoughts.

One quote stood out by Marcus Aurelius, “Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts.”

My soul was black and it was making me sick. I would not let the dark win. I would not let my soul stay in the black. I had the power and choice of where to direct my thinking.

I wanted my soul to be blue. The color of the ocean or sky— wide open and calm. Full of possibility. I wanted my soul to be light. I am yellow—dandelions in a country field as I run past. The colors of sunshine, bananas, and gold. I feel warmth and optimism.

Writing for 15 minutes changed everything. I felt empowered. I had my armor of cards to guide me. I had the colors I wanted to be. I taped the cards in my kitchen, my bathroom, and in my car. The places I would be most.

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What affirmations are you working with this week? Please share with us in the comments below.

Thank you so much for reading along.

Take good care,

Julie