The Scale Three digits consumed my days. I’ll see that number and my life will change. I was sure of it. I’ll be happy, I’ll be fast. I’ll be good enough at last! The number came My eyes were pleased— Yet nothing changed How can this be? The number was an illusion. I had it all wrong. I must unlearn— If I wanted to be healthy, happy, and strong.
A piece from Chapter Six—Default Stories of my upcoming book Staring Down a Dream: A Mom, a Marathoner, a Mission.
Managing my mind and meal planning went hand in hand. Each Sunday, when I would sit down to plan my meals for the week, I noticed the thoughts. Aunt Phoebe with her squeaking voice and fear tactics would show up.
That’s too many carbs. How many calories is that? That’s too much food to be eating.
The old thought patterns would float to the surface. This time instead of shoving them back down or agreeing, I nodded and took a deep breath.
I can do this. Yes, we used to think that carbohydrates were not good but now we think differently.
Carbohydrates would be my best energy source for running and I would eat balanced meals to be healthy, happy, and strong.
I went back to my why—my children and my future self. I would not pass down my default stories about food to my son or daughter. I would not sabotage my happiness or health by counting calories or tracking my weight anymore. I was in a position to teach my children—to help them establish a healthy relationship with food and I took this role very seriously.
I had the knowledge to take into the kitchen to prepare healthy balanced meals for myself and my family and the confidence to teach my children to not be misled by diet trends, fads, and the diet industry.
I was starting to write a new story for myself.
I am becoming the person who believes healthy food is my fuel for my workouts and to assist in my recovery after long hard runs. I’m committed to preparing healthy meals daily to be happy, healthy, and strong. I will treat my relationship with food as I do my relationship with myself and my family.
I was missing this piece for many years. I’m forever grateful for Marni guiding me and that our paths crossed.
When Marni and I ended our time together, I felt tremendous gratitude and appreciation for her guidance and support. I knew deep down I was going to be okay. I had the foundation of my daily diet dialed in and my mindset was in a healthier place. I would lean on this new knowledge Marni provided me as I moved forward. During times of challenge or when my inner judge, Aunt Phoebe, would squeak in with her protective ways, I would pay attention. I would not forget what I learned and I would look back at my progress with Marni. I had an awareness that I didn’t have before. I was learning to question my thinking and had the tools and strategies to help me with a great team in my corner—Marni, Joel, my therapist, and the greatest member of all—God.
As I reflect, I find it interesting that I believed not eating or restricting my calorie intake would help me run stronger and faster. I had no fuel or not enough—yet I believed by getting the scale to that magic number I would be a better runner. Where did I get these beliefs from? I had my ideas. It makes me sad when I still hear, “You need to lose 10 or 15 pounds and you will be better at your sport.” I’m grateful to Marni for teaching me to look at myself as a person instead of allowing the scale to determine my worth. Her philosophy was never about weight or a number—it was about how does your body feel? It was working with her that I realized food wasn’t the problem, it was my thinking and beliefs about food.
Default Stories—What are yours?